The Burger King: The True Story

Every riveting piece of writing or film has a colon in the title. This article is no different.

Burger King. This name has been associated with quality fast-food for many decades now. Burger King has recently crafted an ad campaign around a man wearing a mask of “The Burger King". What Burger King may or may not know is that there was, in fact, an actual "Burger King" nearly a thousand years ago. His name was King Leopold Nathaniel Hornblower of Burger.

King Leopold came from humble roots. His father a blacksmith, he made his way early in life by blowing into the furnace 14 hours a day (bellows had not been invented yet). He also spent his days inspecting red-hot horseshoes. It is through this practice that he became able to see minute details in craftsmanship very quickly, for, red-hot horseshoes are quite scorching hot and one mustn't hold a hot horseshoe for too long. This eye for detail is what led eventually to Leopold's being crowned king.

In these times, Burger was a small, yet bustling province in what is now Luxemborough. Around the time of Leopold's 17th birthday, the then king of Burger, King Horatio Riesling Chestertonfield became very ill and on his deathbed. The entire court of King Horatio was frantically trying to find what had made the king ill, for many dukes, ladies, and court jesters were also afflicted by this mystery illness. The word went out the entire kingdom that the king's court was desperate for answers. A young Leopold went to the castle, seeking to help the king in his time of need, and possibly get enough reward money to not have to pick up hot horseshoes any longer.

Upon arriving at the castle of King Horatio, Leopold was turned away as being just a commoner and young and naive to boot. But, during his brief time at the front gate, Leopold had committed to memory the garb of royal soldiers, right down the the ornate tassels adorning the royal tunics. Leopold promptly went home and with his mother, a seamstress, replicated exactly the uniform of a royal guard. He completed the uniform with armor, a sword, and silly helmet with the metal thing that goes over your nose. Leopold then returned to the castle to attempt passage through the gate.

Leopold approached the gate as he had seen royal guards do many times before. He stopped at moat and yelled out the royal guard request for entry. The exact wording has been lost, but historians have an idea of how this call went:

I
Royal Guard of Horatio the Mediocre
Request entry into his Lordships Phallic Tower

Leopold was greeted by surprise when his con actually worked. He was now inside of the Phallic Tower.

Young Leopold wandered around the castle and tower complex not sure of where to go. It was during his time in the kitchen that he noticed that the chefs preparing food for the royalty were using knives made with iron from the Great Mine of Outer-Lichtenstein. This specific iron is known for its toxic effects upon humans and various garden shrews. Thanks to Leopold's blacksmith knowledge and quick eye for detail, he had single-handedly unraveled the mystery of what had made the king and his royal court sick.

Serendipitously, minutes after alerting the royal clerics and magicians of the cause of this illness, and the corresponding cure, King Horatio and all of the royalty of Burger has died. The now highest ranking member of the royal court, the Royal Steed, selected Leopold as the new king of Burger. It is recorded in history that the Royal Steed chose Leopold as King for his willingness to risk death in a valiant attempt to save King Horatio, as well as his mother's carrot garden.

Upon the Royal Steed’s stomping of a hoof once for "yes", ironically upon a horseshoe stamped "Inspected by Leo", Leopold was crowned King Leopold, The Burger King.

The legend of The Burger King lives on in the food-service industry through an industry-wide ban of all knives made of steel containing iron from Outer-Lichtenstein.

Giant Squash + Beer = Seasonal Variety

From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "Anheuser-Busch Cos. is launching a series of seasonal beers available on tap, which could reinforce the brewer's already strong presence in bars and taverns.
To kick off this draught program, the nation's largest brewer this week rolls out a pumpkin-flavored beer, Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale, for the fall. This will be the first time the company has offered seasonal beers on tap."

Coors is trying out the seasonal brew game as well. They came out with Blue Moon Pumpkin Spice Ale a few years back, hard on the heels of many microbrew pumpkin offerings.
Pumpkin Ale makes sense for autumn, but not all seasonal beers are as appetizing or sensible.

-Pabst Yellow Snow Winter Ale was not a big hit when it was introduced in December 1977.

-Miller Independence Lager, which contained gunpowder, caused several people to become ill in the summer of 1986.

-For St. Patrick's Day 2000, Samuel Adams was released in an extra-thick, green bottle. This "Patty Bottle" was advertised as "Better in a fight that the other guy's bottle".

-Lowenbrau introduced Oktoberfest Schnitzel Ale in 1981. Much like David Hasselhoff, it was big in Germany, not in the U.S.

-Corona Revolucion was introduced for Mexican Independence Day in 1993. Each bottle contained 7 ounces of Corona, 4 ounces of tequila, an agave worm, and 1 ounce of pure mescaline. After several deaths and hallucination-induced psychoses, it was pulled from the shelves.

Football Season = Beer Commercials

With football season comes the beer-commercial season. Beer and football go together like the proverbial peas and carrots, so it's only fitting that beer companies spend big bucks on memorable commercials. Not every beer commercial is successful, though. Some beer commercials are controversial, racist, and notorious in the industry. I've compiled a list of some of these infamous beer commercials.

- In 1972, a Schlitz commercial featured two black men removing their ski masks, placing their guns and a large bag of money on the table, and partaking in "That smooth Schlitz taste that blacks love."

- During a 1983 NFL playoff game, Miller ran a commercial promoting Miller Lite as "The Ultimate Bitch Beer."

- The Pabst brewery ran a commercial for Pabst Blue Ribbon during Super Bowl IX that involved 3 male Green Bay Packers fans sodomizing a male Chicago Bears fan with various items, one of which was a "Cold, refreshing Pabst Blue Ribbon longneck bottles. Now available in an 18 pack!"

-Anheuser-Busch ran a radio commercial in 1943 during a Giants-Eagles game that went "Budweiser. It may have a kraut name, but not that Nazi kraut taste!"

This message is brought to you by...

Corporate sponsorship, a boon to professional sports organizations everywhere, can sometimes get confusing. The Stanley Cup isn't named after a company, it's named after Lord Stanley. Apparently, the Winston Cup was not named after Lord Winston, it was named after a cigarette brand. Now called the Nextel Cup, it will be changing names AGAIN next season to the Sprint Cup, even though "sprint" racing is a totally different thing. Similar things have happened in the past. I've put together a few choice moments in corporate sponsorship.

-Dick's Sporting Goods was acquired in 1972 by American Ball Bearings. The yearly-sponsored "American Ball Bearing Marathon of Toledo" was renamed "The Dick's-Balls Toledo Marathon".

-In the mid-1980's, the Denver law firm of Dawn, Cohen, and Johnson sponsored a yearly softball game for charity. After Jon Cohen left the firm in 1987, this event was renamed "The Dawn-Johnson Annual Charity Softball Classic".

-A small Atlanta bedding store named Mattress King sponsored a yearly footrace dubbed "The Long Race" in the early-1990's. After Mattress King was purchased by Sofa World, the race was renamed "The Sofa King Long Race" (Say the name very quickly to achieve maximum effect).

-A small brewery in Buffalo, NY, whose flagship beer is named "Great Lakes Steamer", relocated to Cleveland in 1996. This brewery continued their tradition of sponsoring local auto racing, and thereby named their race team after their best-selling beer, "Cleveland Steamer Racing".

-An annual motorcycle race in Yuma, AZ held during the 1980's was named "Crotch Rocket Rally". When the race began to be sponsored by local Schmelling Construction, the event was renamed "Schmelling Crotch Rocket Rally".

-"BeachFest", originally held yearly by The Sandpiper Beach Resort in Myrtle Beach, SC, was renamed "WangFest" after the resort was purchased by Japanese investment firm Wang & Yoshimoto.

The BLT. Is it really a sandwich?

Peanut Butter and Jelly aside, can a sandwich exist sans cheese? Is the BLT, the stalwart of the truck-stop restaurant industry, a sandwich? I appreciate that the name of this food item, "BLT", fully describes the exact ingredients. You'll never see someone forget what's in a BLT. I also like that fact that the name "BLT" is an acronym. There should be more food products with acronyms for names. I have a few ideas.

-SHIT: Shaved Ham Italian Trout. An oft-forgotten delicacy of Tuscany.

-DICK: Duck In Custard with Kelp. An entree-desert combination served in Malaysia.

-FART: Fish Applesauce Russian dressing Toblerone. A sandwich fit for a Czar.

-ASS: Asian Sesame Sausage. Popular stadium-food in Taiwan.

-COQ: Crickets Over Quiche. One must not visit Paris without partaking of this delectable dish.

Jury Dootie

I was selected at random via driver's license records to serve as a juror for the 6th circuit court of Florida. I was dismissed and subsequently went home and drank a few beers, but nonetheless, I performed an invaluable service to my community. Although I was not fortunate enough to serve on this particular criminal trial, I did learn much about our excellent legal system. That being said, I do have some ideas to make our court system a bit more "high-performance."

-Take a page from professional sports and have a game clock. This would create a truly "speedy trial." Shot-clock penalties result in the loss of evidence and the striking of testimony.

-Include with jury service a two-drink minimum and a free lap-dance.

-Institute an Applause-O-Meter for closing arguments. Lower-scoring attorney picks up dinner and drinks for the jury.

-Have the judge choose a "word-of-the-day" like on Pee Wee's Playhouse. When an attorney says that word, the jurors scream.

-Play "Strip Objections." Every time an attorney gets an objection against he or she, they lose a piece of clothing. Mandatory for female attorneys, optional for males.

-Have a jury pool on whether or not the judge is wearing anything underneath the robe. After the verdict, we all get to see who wins.

-Raffle off evidence after a conviction. The defense attorney will be responsible for washing blood off of any money or weapons prior to the raffle.

Grand Theft Autoerotica

Sen. Hillary Clinton, ex-President Bill Clinton's husband (zing), is speaking out against the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Apparently, there's some secret mini-game where you actually control the main character during sexual intercourse. You press up and down to get going, another button switches positions, etc. The main goal is to get your partner off. What's so bad about that? Unbeknownst to most people, there have been far worse things hidden in some of the most popular video games. Here's a few of my favorite games and their dark secrets:

-Pac-Man: Secret bonus level in which Pac-Man forcibly rapes Ms. Pac-Man. Also, it is revealed in level 249 that Pac-Man is actually an African-American and that the ghosts are KKK members.

-Super Mario Bros.: Bonus round shows the Princess in the middle of a "Plumber Sandwich" Mario and Luigi utter phrases such as "Do you like this Italian sausage, you slut?"

-Donkey Kong: Bonus round is the same as in Super Mario Bros., except there's one plumber, and one 800 lb. gorilla.

-The Legend of Zelda: Entering a secret code allows Link to sell himself to local merchants in exchange for weapons & armor.

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Cut-scene in the final level shows Splinter molesting Pre-Teen Mutant Ninja Turtles.

-Rad Racer: Ending reveals that you we're running drugs for the Cuban mafia.

-Pong: Upon finishing level 999, 37-minutes of hardcore pornography starring John Holmes appears on screen.