The Burger King: The True Story

Every riveting piece of writing or film has a colon in the title. This article is no different.

Burger King. This name has been associated with quality fast-food for many decades now. Burger King has recently crafted an ad campaign around a man wearing a mask of “The Burger King". What Burger King may or may not know is that there was, in fact, an actual "Burger King" nearly a thousand years ago. His name was King Leopold Nathaniel Hornblower of Burger.

King Leopold came from humble roots. His father a blacksmith, he made his way early in life by blowing into the furnace 14 hours a day (bellows had not been invented yet). He also spent his days inspecting red-hot horseshoes. It is through this practice that he became able to see minute details in craftsmanship very quickly, for, red-hot horseshoes are quite scorching hot and one mustn't hold a hot horseshoe for too long. This eye for detail is what led eventually to Leopold's being crowned king.

In these times, Burger was a small, yet bustling province in what is now Luxemborough. Around the time of Leopold's 17th birthday, the then king of Burger, King Horatio Riesling Chestertonfield became very ill and on his deathbed. The entire court of King Horatio was frantically trying to find what had made the king ill, for many dukes, ladies, and court jesters were also afflicted by this mystery illness. The word went out the entire kingdom that the king's court was desperate for answers. A young Leopold went to the castle, seeking to help the king in his time of need, and possibly get enough reward money to not have to pick up hot horseshoes any longer.

Upon arriving at the castle of King Horatio, Leopold was turned away as being just a commoner and young and naive to boot. But, during his brief time at the front gate, Leopold had committed to memory the garb of royal soldiers, right down the the ornate tassels adorning the royal tunics. Leopold promptly went home and with his mother, a seamstress, replicated exactly the uniform of a royal guard. He completed the uniform with armor, a sword, and silly helmet with the metal thing that goes over your nose. Leopold then returned to the castle to attempt passage through the gate.

Leopold approached the gate as he had seen royal guards do many times before. He stopped at moat and yelled out the royal guard request for entry. The exact wording has been lost, but historians have an idea of how this call went:

I
Royal Guard of Horatio the Mediocre
Request entry into his Lordships Phallic Tower

Leopold was greeted by surprise when his con actually worked. He was now inside of the Phallic Tower.

Young Leopold wandered around the castle and tower complex not sure of where to go. It was during his time in the kitchen that he noticed that the chefs preparing food for the royalty were using knives made with iron from the Great Mine of Outer-Lichtenstein. This specific iron is known for its toxic effects upon humans and various garden shrews. Thanks to Leopold's blacksmith knowledge and quick eye for detail, he had single-handedly unraveled the mystery of what had made the king and his royal court sick.

Serendipitously, minutes after alerting the royal clerics and magicians of the cause of this illness, and the corresponding cure, King Horatio and all of the royalty of Burger has died. The now highest ranking member of the royal court, the Royal Steed, selected Leopold as the new king of Burger. It is recorded in history that the Royal Steed chose Leopold as King for his willingness to risk death in a valiant attempt to save King Horatio, as well as his mother's carrot garden.

Upon the Royal Steed’s stomping of a hoof once for "yes", ironically upon a horseshoe stamped "Inspected by Leo", Leopold was crowned King Leopold, The Burger King.

The legend of The Burger King lives on in the food-service industry through an industry-wide ban of all knives made of steel containing iron from Outer-Lichtenstein.