Jury Dootie

I was selected at random via driver's license records to serve as a juror for the 6th circuit court of Florida. I was dismissed and subsequently went home and drank a few beers, but nonetheless, I performed an invaluable service to my community. Although I was not fortunate enough to serve on this particular criminal trial, I did learn much about our excellent legal system. That being said, I do have some ideas to make our court system a bit more "high-performance."

-Take a page from professional sports and have a game clock. This would create a truly "speedy trial." Shot-clock penalties result in the loss of evidence and the striking of testimony.

-Include with jury service a two-drink minimum and a free lap-dance.

-Institute an Applause-O-Meter for closing arguments. Lower-scoring attorney picks up dinner and drinks for the jury.

-Have the judge choose a "word-of-the-day" like on Pee Wee's Playhouse. When an attorney says that word, the jurors scream.

-Play "Strip Objections." Every time an attorney gets an objection against he or she, they lose a piece of clothing. Mandatory for female attorneys, optional for males.

-Have a jury pool on whether or not the judge is wearing anything underneath the robe. After the verdict, we all get to see who wins.

-Raffle off evidence after a conviction. The defense attorney will be responsible for washing blood off of any money or weapons prior to the raffle.