Jury Dootie

I was selected at random via driver's license records to serve as a juror for the 6th circuit court of Florida. I was dismissed and subsequently went home and drank a few beers, but nonetheless, I performed an invaluable service to my community. Although I was not fortunate enough to serve on this particular criminal trial, I did learn much about our excellent legal system. That being said, I do have some ideas to make our court system a bit more "high-performance."

-Take a page from professional sports and have a game clock. This would create a truly "speedy trial." Shot-clock penalties result in the loss of evidence and the striking of testimony.

-Include with jury service a two-drink minimum and a free lap-dance.

-Institute an Applause-O-Meter for closing arguments. Lower-scoring attorney picks up dinner and drinks for the jury.

-Have the judge choose a "word-of-the-day" like on Pee Wee's Playhouse. When an attorney says that word, the jurors scream.

-Play "Strip Objections." Every time an attorney gets an objection against he or she, they lose a piece of clothing. Mandatory for female attorneys, optional for males.

-Have a jury pool on whether or not the judge is wearing anything underneath the robe. After the verdict, we all get to see who wins.

-Raffle off evidence after a conviction. The defense attorney will be responsible for washing blood off of any money or weapons prior to the raffle.

Grand Theft Autoerotica

Sen. Hillary Clinton, ex-President Bill Clinton's husband (zing), is speaking out against the video game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Apparently, there's some secret mini-game where you actually control the main character during sexual intercourse. You press up and down to get going, another button switches positions, etc. The main goal is to get your partner off. What's so bad about that? Unbeknownst to most people, there have been far worse things hidden in some of the most popular video games. Here's a few of my favorite games and their dark secrets:

-Pac-Man: Secret bonus level in which Pac-Man forcibly rapes Ms. Pac-Man. Also, it is revealed in level 249 that Pac-Man is actually an African-American and that the ghosts are KKK members.

-Super Mario Bros.: Bonus round shows the Princess in the middle of a "Plumber Sandwich" Mario and Luigi utter phrases such as "Do you like this Italian sausage, you slut?"

-Donkey Kong: Bonus round is the same as in Super Mario Bros., except there's one plumber, and one 800 lb. gorilla.

-The Legend of Zelda: Entering a secret code allows Link to sell himself to local merchants in exchange for weapons & armor.

-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Cut-scene in the final level shows Splinter molesting Pre-Teen Mutant Ninja Turtles.

-Rad Racer: Ending reveals that you we're running drugs for the Cuban mafia.

-Pong: Upon finishing level 999, 37-minutes of hardcore pornography starring John Holmes appears on screen.

Olympic Sport Suggestions

Baseball and softball, two symbols of America, will not be played following the 2008 Olympic games. Because of the loss of these two great American sports, I propose many new sports for the 2012 Olympic games.

-Tetherball. The film "Napoleon Dynamite" brought a resurgence in the popularity of tetherball among high-school students. They will be in their peak tetherball years by 2012.

-Competitive Ouija Board. This sport will go over big in countries with a voodoo/witchcraft tradition.

-Breakdancing. This will inspire the current generation of urban youth to pursue their dreams of one day breakdancing on a broken down cardboard box in front of millions.

-Filibustering. The ultimate endurance sport.

-Competitive Eating. Don't discount the dedication of these obese, sedentary athletes.

-Dodgeball. Do I have to explain this one, fat kid?

-Competitive Pole Dancing. I just want to see pole dancing, I don't have a convincing argument.

Hurricane Preparedness Guide

As a Florida native, I know a lot about how to prepare for a hurricane. Here are some useful hints & tips that will help you out:

- Remember to buy the karaoke version of "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by The Scorpions early in the hurricane season before it sells out.

- If the electricity goes off, you're more likely to get laid. If the electricity doesn't go off, use something sharp to cut the line that leads to your house.

- It is recommended to fill up your bathtub with clean water in case your municipal water service is cut off. I personally recommend using your bathtub to make gin.

- If you own a grill, get your propane take filled before the storm. Watching your neighbors eat cold food from a can is more fun while cooking a 17-ounce Porterhouse.

- It is recommended to purchase several gallons of bottled water before the storm. I recommend purchasing 12 beers per person, per day. If beer is in short supply, adjust by rationing only 6 beers per day to any children under 12.

- Generators are very good to have in case of extended power outages. Without power, how would you sing "Rock You Like A Hurricane" on your karaoke machine?

Super Hero Inflation

Superman didn't need a squad to whoop-ass. Batman could have definitely held down Gotham City without Robin. Kato did drive Green Hornet's car, which is important, but not necessary. Even rich-ass Bruce Wayne drove himself around while fighting crime. Having a sidekick to go on beer runs and pick up your dry cleaning is OK for the sake of this discussion. The problem lies in the super hero teams.

So we start out with one hero, like Superman, then two, then I think the Green Lantern had some homies behind him, then Fantastic 4, then X-Men has a whole crew, the Justice League is a whole gang of super goodness, and so on. This kind of super hero inflation shows that being super doesn't mean what it used to. Captain America wrecked all bad guys single handedly. Superman could reverse the rotation on the planet all by his lonesome. Now it takes a team of these so-called "super" heroes to trounce one single villain. I tell you, super hero inflation affects us all.